Navigating the Evolving Landscape of Gender for Parents
In today's world, children are embracing and experimenting with their gender identities in ways that previous generations didn’t. Well meaning parents often find themselves confused about the best way to support their children. In this article, I’m going to focus on pre-teens and teens exploring gender identity. Distinct from parents of kids who expressed a clear sense that they were born in the wrong gender from an early age, there is a growing phenomenon of pre-teens and teens - who as young children presented as entirely cis gendered (gender in the mind and sex of the body match) kids - changing names and pronouns in ways that catch their parents by surprise. Parents often find their children's gender exploration perplexing, asking questions like, "Is this a phase? Are they influenced by friends or social media? What if they want to make permanent changes to their bodies? Should I go with it? Should I push back? Something else?”
As someone specializing in LGBTQ+ youth for two decades, I've witnessed the diversity within the gender spectrum. From toddlers with a clear sense of their transgender identity to teens who are questioning, experimenting and even changing their minds multiple times, the spectrum is broad. For some, medical interventions like hormone treatments and gender-confirming surgery are vital and even lifesaving, and for others, their gender expression and identity can change many times over a period of months or years. Adolescence is, after all, a stage of life defined by grappling with and exploring one’s identity.
Let me provide some context first. Traditionally, Gender Dysphoria has been seen as a lifelong struggle, with the belief that being transgender is an innate aspect of a person. However, there is a growing understanding that gender exploration can manifest later in life, especially during pre-teen and teenage years. This has caused some backlash. For instance, the term "rapid-onset gender dysphoria" emerged from a 2018 study*, widely discredited and retracted due to its limited sample size and flawed methodology, suggesting a social contagion element influencing gender identity. This study pointed out a phenomenon that is actually happening - kids are exploring gender more than ever before and they are indeed being influenced by their social networks in doing so. Unfortunately, this deeply problematic study was used to dismiss these kid’s struggle and exploration as “fake” or “made up,” since it begins in adolescence and since it’s influenced by the world around the young person.
For a useful context, let’s look back in time at the debate about homosexuality in the 1990s. The prevailing argument for accepting homosexuality centered on the belief that individuals couldn't help being gay—it was an inborn trait, not a choice. This perspective, often backed by scientific evidence, urged society to acknowledge and afford basic human rights to the LGBTQ+ community. Today, a similar criterion seems to be applied to the acceptance of transgender identities. There's a tendency to view being transgender as only "valid" if it's an innate, unchangeable aspect of a person's identity. This viewpoint may inadvertently dismiss or cast doubt on individuals who are exploring or experimenting with their gender, labeling their experiences as "fake" in a society still adjusting to the expanding understanding of gender as a fluid and diverse spectrum. It's crucial to recognize that just as with homosexuality in the past, this binary perspective oversimplifies the complexities of human identity. The evolving conversation around gender invites us to embrace the diversity of experiences and validate the various ways individuals navigate their gender journey.
In the current landscape, many young individuals are identifying as transgender, gender fluid, gender queer, or non-binary, often without early signs visible to their parents. This may be attributed to our society’s increased comfort with gender diversity. Additionally, some kids don’t express their true feelings around gender because they fear their families will not be accepting.
Although this gender exploration is happening for those born male as well as those born female, it appears to be significantly more common among those born female. Undoubtedly, growing up in a time of significant changes to the roles of women and women’s rights in general, has likely played a role in young people's perception of gender and their desire to experiment with how they view themselves and how society views them.
There is no one simple answer. Yes, young people are being influenced by their peers, the internet, popular culture and social media, but that doesn’t mean their journey isn’t “real” or that it doesn't need to be respected. While some kids may be experimenting with identities (which may vary over years or their entire lifetime), others are genuinely discovering profound truths about their identity that have been there all along. Both journeys are valid, and it's essential to recognize that these truths coexist.
With all of this in mind, my main advice to parents is as follows:
As parents, our role is not to have all the answers but to offer unconditional love and a safe space for our children to express themselves without fear or judgment or rejection. So, if your child would like to be called by a new name, go with it. If they want you to use different pronouns, do that too. Hearing that your child doesn’t want to use the name you gave them is quite painful for most parents. It’s important to remember that your child is not rejecting you as their parent when they make these asks of you. Quite the opposite. They are inviting you into their innermost world of identity discovery. These steps might seem hard, but once you adjust, you will be surprised by how quickly you adapt. If you push back on name changes and pronoun adjustments, your child will almost inevitably begin to live two lives - the life with accepting peers and adults where the child can be their full self, and the one with you and others where your child hides key parts of their identity. If you do make an effort to use the preferred name and pronouns, you may make mistakes from time to time. Your child will be understanding if you do that with love.
If you need help navigating these waters with your adolescent, get it. Experienced family therapists and LGTQIA friendly clergy are a couple of places to start. Your child will appreciate your effort if the goal is to work together to provide a safe, loving and supportive home environment.
Many adolescents are not considering any physical changes to their bodies, but some may be raising questions and making requests for hormones or other medical interventions. When it comes to gender confirming medical care, consulting an experienced and trusted medical professional is critical. A seasoned professional will recommend the appropriate care when clinically indicated, but won’t encourage you or your child to rush into making medical decisions with potentially lifelong effects.
Our evolving culture is beginning to view gender as a continuum, providing space for young people to explore and be creative. We cannot know the future implications of this changing landscape, but we do know that what matters most is our children's mental and physical well-being.
*Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria: Parent Reports on 1655 Possible Cases.
Diaz S, Michael Bailey J. (
